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The Downfall of long term relationship and what to do about it

There is that thing that happens when we have been in relationship with someone for a while. We begin to stop SEEING them.

It’s very easy to fall into this trap – the routine of day to day living, the stress of responsibilities and having to stretch ourselves in so many directions with work, friends, family, kids… let’s not forget the distraction of social media!!!!

The downfall with that is that when we stop SEEING our partner for who they truly are, there are only the surface things left –  which usually are all the things that they are doing wrong, or all their faults, etc….

They fall from the divine, the place they were living when we first met them, and some of their actual human traits can all of a sudden annoy or frustrate us.

What I have witnessed in many long term relationships is a tendency for the following things to occur:

  • Nagging at each other
  • Making fun of partner in front of other people
  • Poor communication of needs and desires
  • Blaming of the partner
  • Talking without fully being present and listening to each other
  • Loss of desire to understand and be compassionate
  • Loss of desire for intimacy and sex

These traits can easily develop, and can unfortunately, become the norm.

Overall there can be a loss of respect, and the desire to give and connect can become less and less.

What can you do to bring to start seeing each other again and bring the spark back into your relationship?

Have fun together

Laughing is one of the best antidotes to any of the above… When we laugh together, we loosen up, we reconnect energetically and we have lots of happy hormones running through our bodies that promote bonding.

Remember I am not talking about laughing AT each other here, but laughing TOGETHER.

Schedule date times

In the same way that you schedule work, dental appointments, massage, dinner with friends… schedule time with your partner.

Not time where you still do the things you normally do at home…. but time where you decide to be fully present with each other, listen and connect.

You can plan to give each other a massage, rest in each others arms, talk about your dreams, make love…. but commit to this time every week or fortnight.

Spend some time apart

It might sound counterproductive to what I just wrote above but as much as we need some quality time together, we also need some quality time with ourselves.

So many people tend to “lose themselves in relationship”. It’s so easy to do. The more time we spend together the less we feel our own identity.

Time apart is great to feel ourselves and our own desires again, to remember who we are beyond the relationship.

The time apart also helps to create polarity within your relationship. Polarity is what creates sexual tension and attraction and it’s something that is easliy lost when we live together with a partner…. time apart can reignite the passion between you and the desire to be close.

Intentionally see the best in your partner again

We are humans, we are not perfect, we make mistakes…

But we also have some amazing qualities that are inherent in us and that can be brought forward and encouraged.

Instead of focusing on what your partner is doing that annoys you, look for what you appreciate about them and what they are doing right and acknowledge it.

Create Sacred Rituals

Once a week or fortnight, schedule some time where one of you just gives and the other receives..

When you touch your partner, don’t do it mechanically, but with full presence, feeling into them and how they react to your touch.

Touch them with full appreciation, love and devotion as if they were the god or the goddess itself. This practice is called transfiguration in Traditional Tantra, where we intentionally see the divine in the other. This practice can be very powerful and support you to see your partner in a new light, without separation, for who they truly are.

The truth is that you probably know where you are at in your relationship….

If you are honest with yourself, you will know if you have let your relationship fall into habits and a routine that are not creating  the relationship you truly desire.

That’s ok, the first step is to notice and acknowledge. If you truly want change though, it won’t happen by blaming your partner or complaining… but by taking full responsibility for your part, talking openly with your partner about what you are feeling and both deciding to do something about it and committing to it. 

I hope this will help.

With so much Love,

Elise <3

PS: If you would like to learn some tools and practices to take your relationship to the next level and experience what it’s like to see each other again, check out the Yoniverse Couples Retreat.

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