Even if my relationship wasn’t the best and I was very happy to say goodbye to it, a year later I was still carrying a lot of resentment and grief.
I think the hardest thing for me to let go of about my marriage was all the hopes and dreams I had about how our relationship would be.
It wasn’t actually my partner that I had the hardest time letting go of, but those dreams I made up in my mind of what we would create together… and to be honest I was a little pissed they didn’t happen. And of course, from my point of you, HE was to blame.
And then something changed. We created a ceremony to perform as we got divorced, to let go of our relationship.
I think the fact that the divorce happened a year and half later, once we had both moved on, made it even more… well, efficient, for lack of a more appropriate word. 🙂
We met at a significant spot for us and our relationship…. the beach where we first met, got married and up the bank of the river mouth where we actually first made love!!!
Yep pretty significant 🙂
We started by sharing everything with each other, all the things that had been kept unsaid, the things that hurt us, the moments that made us laugh, the moments that we were very grateful to have shared together…. and funnily enough I thought that for the 1st time in so long we actually heard each other.
Maybe it was the fact that there was nothing at stake anymore, that there was actually nothing we really wanted from each other, other than letting go. I am not sure exactly what it was, but it felt really good to voice everything, hear everything and notice all of it disappearing like smoke in the sky….
One moment was specifically decisive for me in the letting go process… when he mentioned something that I did that really hurt him…
Something that he had actually set up himself.
My first impulse was to defend that, but then as I looked at him and saw his pain, it became so clear to me.
He had set that specific moment up because he did not believe I could love him…
All of a sudden I realised all the ways that he had not been able to receive and believe in my love, not because there was anything wrong with me but because of his self worth…
AND THEN I realised all the way that I looked and looked again and again over the years for all the reasons that he wasn’t loving me….
And just like that, there was no resentment anymore, no grief anymore, I could clearly see that we had just been 2 kids trying to love but we had no clue how to do it.
All of a sudden I had so much compassion for both our hearts…
For the pain that we both felt as we stumble, trying to DO love when we didn’t even know how to love ourselves.
Trying to love but at the same time protecting ourselves so much…. like walking 2 steps forward and 3 back all the time.
Yes there was love, but we just didn’t know how to fully open to each other because of our own wounds of the past, our own ghosts, our own story…
So funny how it made me look at him with curiosity again, seeing how there was a whole world inside of him that I had not wanted to see… Just because I didn’t want to acknowledge where he was at, and feel the pain of losing love.
I had the best separation I could have wished for. We cried, we laughed, we paused and reflected… We talked until there was nothing else to say….
It was actually shorter than I thought it would be as everything just became irrelevant with the clarity of my realisation…
And then we were done.
It took me a while to share about my separation when it first happened and the idea of divorce was uncomfortable to feel.
It actually made me want to vomit at first.
I felt like I failed.
I failed at my marriage.
I failed at love.
I failed even though I am meant to be so connected to myself and sexually expressed, bla bla bla…
But once it was done in that way it was actually quite beautiful.
Today I was wondering how it would be to be supported by our community as we go through those moments in our life.
I had a vision of people sharing honestly like I did with my ex, sharing all the pains, all the love, all the appreciation, grief and hurts…. with the community sitting around them, with the children around them… witnessing their words and feelings as they choose to part…
I come from a separated family, my parents broke up when I was quite young and I think it would have been something quite amazing and powerful to witness instead of being left with misunderstandings about what happened and why, with dreams of “maybe they will get back together” and weird conceptions about family and love.
The thought of it makes me cry.
Maybe one day we will come to be strong and aware enough to create such spaces, to communicate openly and to have the courage to be stronger than our fears and stay in our hearts.
I will hold this vision <3